An email from Lee Malis of Lee Malis Sailing Adventures:

I don’t know how you all expect me to continue sailing around without you sailing along. I hope you don’t think that I should quit sailing, get a job and become a useful part of society. Is it possible that your faithful narrator is not at the top of the list of things that you think about? (Hard for me to believe).

Anyone interested in sailing from Florida to the Bahamas I still have space on the boat. I’ll be leaving October 30th. This trip is great for someone that wants to get cruising experience for a great price. I’m asking for $500 per person (plus food). But I have two weeks to get to Nassau. So it would only be about $500 for two weeks cruising. I’ll probably sail to Eleuthra first, hang out for awhile, and then sail back to Nassau by the 13th of November. So all you would need to do is have a one-way ticket from Nassau back to where ever you want to go back to. Eleuthra is a great island to hang out on. You can fly out from Eleuthra too. Nice diving, great surfing, good people and food, not much tourism and Lenny Kravitz lives there and plays at the local Rake and Scrape bar.

After New Years I’ll be taking off on the big adventure and there is plenty of room right now. I’ll have two months to make it to Antigua.

January – February; sail to Georgetown in the Exumas wait for the first good weather window and jump off for Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands. The trip could take from a week to a month depending on weather so for anyone planning to be on unemployment in January/February this is a great way to spend your unemployment checks!!!

February/March I’ll be cruising the Windward Islands to Antigua and Guadalupe.

May/June I’ll be sailing to Europe and the Mediterranean.

Top ten reasons not to go sailing;

1. Heading off with an aging adventurer with fewer redeeming qualities every year. (Better to go before I get older).
2. Conceivably not the best choice for advancement in the corporate ladder to success. (Corporate scum, who cares).
3. Potentially dangerous. (Whatever).
4. Cancer from the sun. (Stay inside if you’re worried about the sun).
5. Could be stuck on a boat with an unpleasant human being for long periods of time. (The price I have to pay for taking you along, but I’ll deal with it).
6. The captain could be a bad musician with a lousy singing voice? (Just don’t tell me!!! I can get very moody when criticized).
7. The boat could sink. (This also comes under reason Number 3 which is already answered with a succinct reply).
8. Sharks could eat you. (Better you than me, safety in numbers).
9. I can’t afford a vacation. (If not you, who, if not now, when).
10. Why would anyone want to sail away with a strange man in a boat. (As Harry S. Truman would have said if FDR hadn’t said it first. Don’t worry, be Happy. [Ok that’s a lie]. I believe that he would have said, “Don’t be a scaredy cat or something about only having to fear itself.)

Well that should take care of the naysayers and other undesirable elements out there. The country is in the pits and the economy won’t start picking up for awhile anyway. So why sit around and be miserable. Come out and go sailing!!!

All of these plans are contingent on the way life treats me and if I can get anyone out there to take a chance and go sailing. Who knows what can happen when you start sailing the world. Live life and see what happens!!! Someone wise somewhere said some wise words that basically mean do cool stuff and live an interesting life!!! (Of course I think that this plan is cool and interesting).

The cost per week is less than you would pay for a hotel if you went on a vacation somewhere. And this is way better. Pretty much I’ll be sailing through some of the best sailing places on this side of the world. Places that people dream of going if only they could. Well you can!!! All you have to do is take a little time off. The price per week will be about $500 plus food and misc. expenses. If you want to go for a longer time we can make it less.

Please start transferring money to my account right away!!!!

Your faithful narrator and fearless captain,

Lee

Tel: No Phone after about a week or two. 360 941-6028
Email: sailin@sailin.net
Web: www.sailin.net

Every time I get one of those I just wish and wish I had the time to take off and go. It is always lingering there in the back of my mind. If you need to get away and want to try something different, do this. Do it for me. Do it because I can’t right now.

Making things interesting for the new guy:

To my dearest development team members,

I will be out next week doing something fun at various places around the US and you will be stuck here in an office. Come on, dry your eyes. It’s not so bad. You can consult our new interface robot, Nick Sacy, with any questions that you may have had for me in my absence.

If you haven’t added him on Jabber, you probably should.

If you need to email him, nsacy@XXXXXXX.XXX should do the trick.

If you need to hear the soothing sound of his soulful voice, he can be reached at XXX-XXX-XXXX. However, I must warn you that he answers the phone singing “Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe” by Barry White. (Actually, even if you don’t need to hear his voice it would be fun to prank call and see if he will sing to you.)

Your pal (even in exile,)
Terry

From the email bucket (Wow, something besides spam!):

Terry,

In a frantic web search for information about the phrase “monkey nipples” I came across your site and on a page dated October 2002, saw your quote, “Out of ALL of the information available on the Web someone is actually searching for MONKEY NIPPLES!”

The phrase is used in Edward Albee’s play Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, which I am currently acting in, and one of my lines is “It’s a very old ritual, Monkey Nipples, old as they come.” I could spend time explaining the scene that contains that fabulous phrase, but if you really want to know, you should just read the play, or pop across the country to see our production.

Just thought you might want to know that not everyone looking for Monkey Nipples has an ape fetish.

That information MUST be worth a Button Monkey bumper sticker…

Carry on…

Ken Holmes